Learning to Love Myself
January is really the month that set the tone for the rest of the year; it’s when you start to make plans for achieving goals, or it’s when you give up on resolutions. We all do it–make promises to ourselves as the ball drops on a new year, promises to change, promises to start anew, promises to be better–but by the time the first of February rolls around, we’ve already given up. We accept defeat so easily–something is too hard, it takes too much time, we couldn’t do it right the first time; we let ourselves get knocked down.
I am so guilty of this. I set expectations too high for myself; I want to do all of the things and be all the things, but I can’t. I’ve spent too much time thinking I’ve failed because of this; because I can’t do all the things or be all the things, I am a failure, but that’s not true. Just because I can’t do all the things–learn to knit, be a successful teacher, spend time with my friends, read new words, fix others, fix myself–doesn’t make me less of a person. It makes me human.
For the past four years, I have struggled with depression; until recently, I looked at this part of my life as something that aided in my failures. Because I spent so many days in the dark, I couldn’t do all of the things. Because I was lost wandering around the woods in my mind, I couldn’t be all the things. With this mindset, I didn’t realize I was only causing myself to become more lost in the dark.
There are days when I have to tell myself not to cry; I spend all day repeating this motto. As I make my coffee. As I curl my hair. As I pack my bag for school to student teach. As I slide my knit hat further over my ears before walking out the door. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry. Some days are harder than others. Some days the tightness in my chest is too much to ignore. Some days it hurts to breathe and the tears are the only way to ease the pain.
I’ve been working on acceptance. Acceptance of the things I cannot fix, cannot change, cannot control. I cannot control the darkness. I cannot fix everything. I cannot change to be all the things. We cannot control these things; none of us can. Because we’re human and we don’t have all the answers all the time. But the one thing I won’t accept is defeat–because I’m still right here.
Some days are hard. It’s hard to get out of bed. To go to school. To stand in front of a classroom filled with 17 year olds. To smile and inspire. To talk, talk, talk to people. These are things that are hard for me daily. But I do the things. Because I’ve made it this far. And I’m human.
And I’m picking myself back up.
There are days when life is hard, and those days turn into weeks, into months. I’ve been 22 for a month, and let me tell you, I’m learning. We cannot be all the things. We cannot keep setting expectations too high. We cannot continue to set ourselves up for failure. We cannot blame ourselves for the days when life is too hard.
January might be the month of broken resolutions, but maybe it’s time we let February be the month of acceptance.
It’s time we let ourselves find the light.
It’s time we learn to love ourselves.